Life1
no post for 2 months, mb man
Hey, I don’t know if anybody reads this thing. I have not tracked analytics in weeks. Oh well. I like talking or whatever this functions as. I wouldn’t call it writing since it’s not really as purposeful as I’d like, but it’s also clearly not talking. Idk.
Point is, I kinda like just sitting down and putting the stuff I’ve been thinking about down (down used twice there sounds weird). After all, if you yourself won’t like listening to your thoughts, who else will?
Think of this as just a description of what’s been going on and how I’ve been adjusting to college.
the bad
YEP, I may have thrown
So uh, worst part is, I don’t even think the content was that hard. It’s just, I mean, I don’t want to use it as an excuse, but like I was deathly sick while taking the exam. I came in with a facemask because breathing in normal air hurt. My eyes were burning the entire time. My head was on fire (not in a good way). It was pretty bad. Still though, rather disappointing that I performed so well. I’d expect myself to still perform better even under worse circumstances.
The 68 is pretty bad. But the bright side is that it is very much recoverable. I’ve looked down on those who cling to something impossible so fiercely in the past, but like, in this case, it is very much not impossible. Professor, who is a very good lecturer and cool guy, grades on a z score so my 68 actually becomes a B. That’s still pretty bad, but like, if I drop outlier z scores on the next couple exams, I should be fine. I’ll just make sure to study and hopefully not get sick. I’m not looking forward to the Spring when my allergies kick in again. I hate allergies. My number one opp.
The most scary thing is that, I think, even if I was at a not-sick performance level, I still wouldn’t have dropped higher than a 90. There were actual, real mistakes that I made. One example, is that I didn’t know that tree diagrams branches might need the given for a probability depending on the situation when drawing them. I mean, I still get to the right answer, but if asked to draw a tree diagram, that is a mistake. Everything else – I think – would’ve been correct had I no been a dead man walking while taking the exam.
fun
On the topic of content though, I love probability. I mean, the content is just very interesting. I don’t really know how else to put it.
The kinda Bright Side
kinda light
Most classes are actually a lot easier than I expected. I mean, I did drop a 68, but like…yeah no, I kinda just failed the test. Oh well. Hopefully, it works out fine.
Uh, data structures is fine. The test was better than I thought. Probability is somewhat fine. Oh, my schedule. It’s, uh, probability, discrete, data structures, vector calc, and a first year signature course. Discrete and vector calc have literally only been review of high school classes so it’s kinda hard for me to comment on difficulty. Yeah. Still better than high school because we move faster though.
I surprisingly think I have more free time in college than high school. That’s crazy to think about. Probably most of it comes from having less class time, but like, the homework is also less. Crazy. If I get less than an A in probability though, you guys can all laugh at me. I mean, that will be entirely my fault and my pride will be pretty funny to look at. I hope, if that happens, I temper my pride, become humble, and accept the mistake in ego.
people
interesting people
The people here are… interesting. I don’t know. What I like is that I don’t feel a need to talk to random people. I mean, I sometimes do, but like it feels fine to just do stuff alone. In high school, that was kinda different. Doing stuff alone just felt lonely. In college though, it’s just like, ok cool.
Also, it’s been insanely hard to keep some friend groups from high school alive. Like genuinely impossible tough. Like to the point where I’m down to give up.
The college people I’ve met have been cool and chill though. Nothing much to say there.
Piano, Chess, and Writing
sad no more practice
I believe I’ve wrote about this before, but I really like piano and chess and writing. However, surprisingly, I’ve found it rather hard to keep those hobbies alive. I mean, I go to the chess club (it’s like sectioned off in a mall and feels extremely sketch, but the people are cool), but I haven’t really enjoyed chess to the same extent I used to. Idk, it’s weird. I liked OTB tournaments quite a lot (I’ve gone to two since coming to UT), and if anything, that’s become more true. While I never really liked online chess, I would still find enjoyment in it and play to get better. However, I’ve found that instead of doing a chess puzzle when I have some downtime in a class or on a walk, I just read Apple News. It is very sad. I’m old now. Wtf. Might be time to pass the torch on. That’s sad.
I came into UT Austin wanting to double major in Piano. After seeing the Interactive Degree Audit (showing me the needed classes), and realizing that about 0 classes overlap, piano requires 8 semesters of ensemble (I have 0 right now), and there are about 60 hours of theory classes, I have given up. I mean, I think the classes are possible in some alternate world, but the 8 semesters of ensemble already means I’d be graduating a semester late. I came into college wanting to graduate early.
I’ve also finally found a good piano. I used to take the long walk to the Butler Hall of Music (which is about a 20 minute endeavor in 90 degree weather), but now I’ve discovered a Grand Piano right in the lobby of my dorm. I probably should’ve used that earlier. I’m smart. It’s kinda a scuffed piano, but like it’s also good. I sincerely want to make sure that I can perform the 4 Ballades well. In my opinion, the 4 Ballades are the pinnacle of Chopin’s writing (actually maybe not, but they’re the best series), so I think being able to perform all 4 in one go would be really, really cool. Yep, just cool.
As for writing, it’s always been kind of on and off, and I’ve had trouble sticking to a stable, daily regiment. At the same time though, I’ve always maintained some kind of practice. Though, for some reason, I’ve just had a hard time keeping that up in college. Luckily, there’s a cool LLC (which is like kind of an org) that’s about writing which does weekly things. That means, at the very least, I can somewhat keep up weekly stories of some sort.
The most surprising thing for me is that each of these three hobbies have not even dropped off in output due to less time. No, strangely, it’s not that. I can’t actually seem to pinpoint the exact reason, but my belief is that it’s something to do with the environment. I’ve long held the belief that environment dictates a lot of routine, so perhaps, by moving to the dorm room as my main home instead of say my computer desk at home (I know very sad main home for both), I’ve lost some routine that kept up my hobbies. Rather interesting.
Some ending thoughts as a time capsule
trust me, when i'm 89 on my deathbed, imma look at ts
This stuff will be more all-over-the-place than anything else.
Firstly, I think I came in wanting to do too many things. I got rejected from Longhorn Developers (like a UT organization for developing stuff), but at the same time, I’m not sure how fun nor how much time I’d be willing to commit to that. I have so many things I want to get good at – like CAD, 3d printing stuff, robotics, math, proofs, business – and at the end of the day, I think I’m very stretched out. This is also me just not wanting the sour grapes though (if you know that allegory).
I have some serious math commitments as part of a Directed Reading Program which has been very fun (mainly due to my great mentor). I also have some robotics stuff I want to do (and that I owe my Combat Robotics team to do). And then, I also just have this subdueing desire to start some business. Idk why though. Yeah, I’ve been kinda down from getting rejected from LHD. Perhaps, that was my mistake for only applying to a few orgs. Some other people I’ve talked to have told me that they applied to over 20, and then I just think “wow, that’s crazy”.
Career fair was fun. I only handed out 4 resumes though. Everybody else handed out like 20. The people I talked to there were all super cool and nice (plus our conversations were fun). My lexicon has been gradually diminishing in complexity. Disappointing.
Also, ChatGPT is something that I never go that deep into. I only really used it with friends. Recently though, I've found that it's very good at explaining certain concepts. I treat it as like a TA` that can explain a mathematical proof or a simpler form of Google for documentation. Like, you can ask it to explain what a Hessian matrix represents or whether a Java data structure has a .contains method.
I still waste too much time on YouTube. I have so many personal projects I also want to do. I’m stretched in too many directions. But like, at the same time, that’s what I like!
To conclude, I will conclude, by saying that in conclusion…
Shoot, I normally end these on a depressing note. Alright, I got this. I know how to end this on a depressing note.
I was thinking about the people I talked to in high school and realized that I will never see any of them who didn’t go to UT Austin again. That’s pretty depressing.
There are also one friend I have that’s out of state who I used to talk with a lot online (mainly talked in person before). Now, we’ve kinda stopped too.
Man, friendships suck. Too much feeling. I don’t quite like it. But like, at the same time, it’s gratifying to talk to people. Maybe, I just start talking to random people and use that to get my need for social interaction. There’s no commitment that way.
I played in the CCL and threw multiple positions (THE GOAT)
I will write a post on this tomorrow!!!